Dear Mr Uchiha
by Phantom2409
Summary: I'll ge straight to the point, Uchiha Itachi is a psychotic cannibal.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:**** I do not own Naruto or Captain Murderer; they belong to their rightful creators. **

**A/N This is only the first chapter if you like it and I get enough reviews I will no doubt carry on carry on. **

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Uchiha Itachi was a secrete menace to society, with his luscious raven hair cascading over his muscular shoulders and those midnight black eyes .His aim was marriage and the satisfaction of a cannibal appetite with tender brides.

On his wedding morning he always ordered the path to the church to be planted with a curious flower: and when his bride would say, 'Dear Mr Uchiha, I've never seen flowers like this before: what are they called?' he answered , 'They are called Garnish for house-lamb,' and he would laugh at his morbid practical joke , with very sharp show of teeth. They would make love in the coach at six, before marriage. All his horses were milky white with one red spot on the back, which he would hide with the harness. When he had bought the horses they were pure white, for the red spot was the blood of the young bride.

When all the feasts and celebrations were over, all the guests gone, and he was alone with his wife on the day marking one month of their marriage, it was custom that he brought out a golden rolling-pin and a silver pie-board. He would always ask the woman if she could bake a pie, if she could not, he would teach her. He would then take the flour, the butter, the eggs, all the necessary ingredients to make a pie, except what will be needed for the filling. Then the bride would ask, 'Dear Mr Uchiha, what pie is it to be?' He replied, 'A meat-pie.' Then the bride would say, 'Dear Mr Uchiha, I see no meat.' Itachi humorously retorted, 'Look in the glass', she looked in the glass, but still saw no meat, and then he roared with laughter, and suddenly smirking and drawing his katana, and ordered her to roll the crust. So she rolled out the crust, shedding large tears, wondering why he was doing this. When she had lined the dish with crust, and had cut the crust to fit the top, Itachi called out, 'I see meat in the glass' And the bride looked up at the glass just in time to see Mr Uchiha cutting her head off; and he chopped her in pieces, peppered her, salted her and put her in the pie, and sent her to the bakers, and ate all the pie and picked the bones.

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**A/N Please leave a review and let me know I should carry on.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or Captain Murderer they belong to their rightful creators. **

**A/N Please read and review**

Uchiha went on his way, proposing exceedingly, until he came to choose a bride from two twin sisters. Hinata who was fair with deep luscious ultramarine locks and Hanabi , who was darker with auburn hair. They were both equally beautiful, but he didn't know which one to choose. But the fair twin loved him and the dark one hated him, so he chose the fair one. Hanabi would have prevented the wedding if she could, but she couldn't. However on the night before the wedding, much suspecting Uchiha Itachi, she climbed his garden wall and looked in his window, through a space in the shutter, and saw him having his canine teeth sharpened. The next day she listened all day, and heard him make his joke about the house-lamb. A month after that day, he had her roll out the pasty , and swiftly cut the fair twins head off, and chopped her into pieces, and peppered her, and salted her, and put he in the pie, and sent her to the bakers, and ate it all, and picked the bones.

Now Hanabi had her suspicions much increased by the filing of his teeth, and by the house-lamb joke. Putting all the things together when he said that her sister was dead, from that day on she swore revenge.

So she went up to Uchiha's house, she knocked on the knocker and rung the bell, and when Itachi came to the door, she said, 'Dear Mr Uchiha, marry me next, for I always loved you, and was jealous of my sister'. Uchiha took it as a compliment, and made a polite answer, and the marriage was quickly arranged.

On the night before the wedding, the Hanabi climbed his window again, and peeped through the shutters, and saw him having his teeth filed. At this sight she laughed, such a terrible laugh, that Uchiha's blood curdled, and he said, 'I hope nothing has disagreed with me!' At that she laughed again.

The next day they went to church in a coach of milky-white horses, and at twelve they were married. And a month later on that day she rolled the pie-crust out, and Itachi cut her head off, and chopped her into pieces., and peppered her, and salted her, and put her in the pie, and sent it to the bakers, and ate it all, and picked the bones.

But, before she began to roll out the paste, she had taken a fatal poison, distilled from toads' eyes and hemlock root; and Itachi had hardly picked her last bone when his throat began to close and his his body felt as if it was on fire, his skin began to itch and he gorged out his eyes and was tearing at his throat, his screams were beginning to frighten the horses in the stable, and they broke their halters and went mad, and they galloped over everyone in The Uchiha compound (starting with the family blacksmith who had filed his teeth) until the whole lot were dead, and then the milky-white horses galloped away in the dead of night.

_The end. _

**P.S****if you don't like this fic then don't leave a review. **


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